pms and dexedrine.

i know what you're thinking. how do pms and dexedrine fit in the same sentence. well, they don't really unless both have made their way into your day. just in case you all want to know i am 38 years old. i have been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and panic disorder. i don't really believe in being "diagnosed" but i do have panic attacks and i am extremely fatigued and have most of the symptoms. i don't know where i'm going with this so bare with me. okay, my life lately has been very sucky, to say the least. not to say that i don't have a lot of gratitude because i do. but....i have fallen back into this depression that i was just beginning to come out of after nine years. let's just say i'm extremely frustrated. between panic and fatigue there is not a lot i can do. it's a very trapped feeling. my dad and my step mom elizabeth arrived the night before last to stay with brian and i for four days. this is really exciting, except for the fact that i have spent the last two days cleaning and with chronic fatigue the smallest bit of  action can keep me down for days. so yesterday we all walk down to get some breakfast at this local crepe place we really like. all was well, i was feeling great, we were sitting at the table eating and suddenly IT hit.  this IT is the dreaded pms or pmdd. okay a little history of this. when i turned thirty when i fell into that depression i started cutting myself and was extremely suicidal. as i just said this only recently started getting better. well....this is the lame part. it took me about six years to figure out that the cutting and depression was associated with pms. duh! i get so depressed i really would rather end my life than feel this way. okay so we are sitting there and it hits. right on time about 4 days before the flow begins. i'm now tired and depressed. so i come home and someone offers me a dexedrine to wake me up and hopefully make me feel a little better. i didn't really know what it was so i looked it up on the computer. okay it's a type of speed basically, but it doesn't interact with any of my other meds and i was told that it wouldn't make me feel shaky or panicky so i pop it. BIG MISTAKE! it not only did all of the above, but it made me panicky and feel like i wanted to crawl out of my skin for 14 hours. finally at about 7 in the morning, not having slept and going crazy i decided to look up the drug again. it's not only dexedrine but it's TIME RELEASE!!! i was in hell. so i finally fell asleep at about 8:30 in the morning for a couple of hours. does this drug really work for others? is my body just extra sensitive? i did have the fear about taking it because coffee makes me crazy too. anyway the moral of the story is don't take this pill. as you can also tell, i am all over the place. this is also a symptom of cfs that they call brain fog. the pms was so bad last nite that i started bawling in the middle of a conversation with my family. my dad did some healing work on me which got me ultra dizzy, it always does. after that we walked out onto the lawn barefoot which in the middle of hollywoood is a little disconcerting. i let all of the negative energy release through my feet into mother earth and dad called upon my administering angels and i felt a weight lift. not a huge weight. but i didn't have the desire to cut myself anymore and the anchor in my stomach and tightness in my chest was somewhat lifted. thank god for my dad. seriously. i can't wait until i get myself well enough to heal others. i have been told by many energy healers that i am a clairvoyant and i just need to tap into it. also that i could be a great healer, that could ultimately be my gift. what a blessing that would be! fashion of the day: on our four block walk to the crepe place i got a little fancified with: skinny high waisted blue jeans, white aa tee and this amazing tweed chanel jacket, which was my grandmas, also the good old chanel glass necklace. love. i will post some pics of us. can't really see the outfit, sorry fashion peeps.

elizabeth (second mom), me and daddy!
elizabeth and dad. love them with all of my heart.
hollywood randomness.

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